Has anyone ever asked you that question? We hear the question “Do you love me?” from various sources, but we are seldom or ever are asked “How would you like to be loved?”
This is a really important question between a husband and a wife. The reason it is important is that if we don’t ever ask this (and keep on asking this), we may be loving our spouse in the way we think is loving, but it may not be resonating with them. What we are thinking is loving may be, but it may not be what your spouse wants or needs. Jesus says in John: 15:12 (NKJV) “This is my command that you love one another.”
One way to explore this is to take one of the “love language” tests. There are two main ones, and I will list them at the bottom of the blog. Many of you have probably taken one before but if you have not, I would really encourage you to take a few minutes and take the test. The categories are slightly different based on which test/assessment you use, but there are a lot of similarities. Most people will find that they have probably one “top” primary love language, and then a strong secondary one. Even if you have taken one of the assessments before, if it has been a while, you might want to retake it. My husband and I discovered that our love languages changed over time. So, it may be that a current assessment would be beneficial.
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Feeling loved, and having our love “tanks” filled on an ongoing basis are paramount for a healthy, flourishing marriage.
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One of the reasons the question about how you want to be loved is so critical is because feeling loved is essential to a healthy marriage. Feeling loved, and having our love “tanks” filled on an ongoing basis are paramount for a healthy, flourishing marriage. For so many years (even after taking the assessment) I knew (well I told myself I knew) how Johnny wanted to be loved. But the truth is I was not loving him in the way that he could “get it”.
When you think about the idea of a love “language” it makes me think of what it feels like when someone can’t speak to you in your language. If someone is speaking a language that we do not understand, we cannot connect. We don’t know what they are saying, we are lost. For years I was loving Johnny, the way I wanted to love Johnny not in the way he wanted it, or could hear it. My attempts, even though admirable, were like speaking a different language to him.
Many times, we show love to our spouse in the way we would really like to receive it. So, if your love language is gifts then you may get your husband all kinds of cool gifts. It may be that he appreciates them, but if his love language is quality time and you rarely carve out time to do what he would enjoy, to be with him, his love tank may be empty.
My love language was acts of service. I feel so loved when the grass is mowed, the projects get done! It is like heaven to me. Guess what Johnny’s love language was (back in the day), it was gifts. So, guess what he did for me? He gave me great gifts. Again, who doesn’t like a nice pocketbook, but oh heavens, what about the grass that is now ½ foot tall? My love tank did not get filled by the gifts; I wanted acts of service. Again, this is not about being selfish, unkind, or picky. It is about learning how our spouse wants and needs to be loved.
Loving in the way that hits the mark is fabulous! It really is the sacrificial way to love, because it is saying I want to love you in the way that you can connect with and receive. I want to love you well by knowing and doing what will make you know and feel that you are loved.
I challenge you to ask your spouse how they want to be loved, and then maybe you can share with them how you would like to be loved!
Love Language: https://5lovelanguages.com
Truity 7 loves styles: https.www.//truity.com
~Carla
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