We left off last time talking about needing to stop when we get angry to identify what the “wrong’ really is that has occurred. Many times, we feel angry but there is not an actual “wrong” it is a perceived wrong.
I want to share an example of this from my life. I would ask Johnny to do a certain thing. In this example it was to return the library books (back when people went to the library and checked out books that had to be returned 🙂). Johnny said he would and I gave him the books. Weeks or months later, I was in his car and what did I find but the library books stuffed under the seat. Now, I am a rule follower. I am a #One on the Enneagram. I like order and doing what’s right. So, here I am. The books are in my hands; they have not been returned to the library. Those are the facts. I am angry. I asked Johnny to do this. He said he would, but He did not.
Now, here is where I messed up over and over! I was angry, because he had let me down, inconvenienced me (probably I owe the library money, and they may cancel my library card). So, the anger is real. I feel it. I am experiencing it. But I had never learned to pause, and ask some questions. Yes, I am angry, now what am I going to do about it? Meaning, anger is an emotion and it does not have an intellect. I must stop and decide what to do with my anger. But unfortunately for many years I did not. I would allow my anger to run wild. My thoughts would go like this: Can he not be considerate? Does he not care about anything I ask him to do? He is so selfish; he only cares about what is important to him.
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...anger is an emotion and it does not have an intellect. I must stop and decide what to do with my anger.
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So, guess what happens, I “decide” that what he has done is a real wrong (selfish, uncaring etc.) so I have tried, and convicted him before I ever even talked to him or sought to make certain I had all of the information. Many times, if not most of the time, I felt angry because I think he has intentionally let me down or frustrated me. But the reality was I did not have all of the information.
In this example above, he put the books in the car intending to take them. He was running late the day he started out to take them, the next day the kids got in the car with other items and the books got pushed under the seat. He forgot! He did not see the books, and he never thought of them again. Now, did he inconvenience me? Did he let me down? Did he frustrate me? Yes! But did he do an intentional wrong? No! He meant to return the books. He meant to help me out. His error was being human. He forgot! He did something every one of us does. We forget things.
By not allowing myself to stop and gather all of the information, I made a judgment that in my mind validated my anger. But I was wrong! I lived this pattern for too many years. Can I gently challenge you to start to put this aspect of managing your anger in place. When you feel angry acknowledge it, but then ask yourself “Ok, what am I going to do about this?” Then make certain you have the facts, make certain you know what really happened.
We will talk next time, about what to do after you get the facts. Until then...
~Carla
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